


wear your memory like a stain

by bonkaiqueen



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: 1994 Prison World (Vampire Diaries), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Heavy Angst, a mix of fluff and angst, but mostly angst bc i cannot write fluff tbh, in which bonnie hates damon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 20:25:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5104598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonkaiqueen/pseuds/bonkaiqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her secret is eating at her, burying her alive – but how can anyone understand? She won't tell a soul; not now, not ever. // bonkai one-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wear your memory like a stain

**Author's Note:**

> So much fun to write agghh  
> Title: _Ghost of You_ \- Selena Gomez :)  
>  Request stuff [here](http://bonkaiqueen.tumblr.com/ask)!

_You miss him, admit it._

The thought comes from nowhere, she isn't even thinking of the Prison world, let alone  _him_ , but there it is. Bonnie flinches, and even though she is alone, she can feel him again.  _His chest under her palm. His fingers around her throat. His breath on her neck._

She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to dispel the face she keeps seeing. The fiery gaze that plagues her even now. It's too bad that fire burns brighter in the dark.

Her secret is eating at her, burying her alive – but how can anyone understand? She won't tell a soul; not now, not ever.

* * *

Damon worries about her; even when she smiles, anguish seeps through. He labels it as PTSD and makes her pancakes. (How can she tell him that his pancakes are never good enough?) Secretly he's scared that the old Bonnie is gone forever.

Elena smothers Bonnie, always dragging her to parties and things, but a part of Bonnie hates her for erasing her memories of Damon.  _Did you not for one second believe that we would find our way back to you?_

Every time Caroline comes over, the feeling of wanting to confide in her washes over Bonnie. She wants to tell her – tell anyone, really – so badly. Caroline would get it, she would understand. After all, she had had Klaus. Don't _underestimate the allure of darkness. Even the purest hearts are drawn to it._

But then Bonnie remembers how Caroline reacted to Elena and Damon. She sighs slowly, sinking down to the floor and hugs her legs.

* * *

He haunts her dreams, whispering soft and slow in her ear. She wakes, gasping, his echoing touch on her skin. Her stomach churns, and she makes it to the bathroom just in time. Damon finds her bent over the toilet, chanting, "Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong," as she rubs her arms where she can still feel  _him._

Bonnie tells herself to hate him. But lying to herself never works. She somehow always finds herself thinking about him.

* * *

_Bonnie opens her eyes, squinting, and takes in her surroundings. All she sees is green – she is lying in the grass. She struggles up, and the pain in her abdomen intensifies. Her head spins, and she clutches onto the tree stump for support._

" _Oh, my god," she gasps. Then she remembers._

_Kai. His sister's knife. Him stabbing her._

" _Monster. Evil. Bastard." She stops, unable to find enough words to describe the incredible hatred she feels. God, she hates him so much. More than she's ever hated anyone._

_She slowly makes it back to the house, ignoring the pain. She doesn't care now. She did all that she could, it'd be best if she dies right here, right now. It's not like there's anything worth living for, not even any company, now that Kai is gone._

_Just let me die._

_Bonnie eyes flutter closed. The last thing she sees is a pair of pale hands covered in her blood – hands that aren't hers! She weakly protests, and tries to get up. Something or someone pushes her gently back down. She feels herself being moved, then swayed gently, along to the rhythm of footsteps. She drifts away._

* * *

She finds pieces of him everywhere.

The dark-haired stranger who is just tall enough to look exactly like him from behind. (He turns out to be the bartender at the Grill.) The bits of sarcastic humor she hears from other students at Whitmore. (But they are never as funny as he was.)

(He  _had_  been funny, even if she hadn't wanted to admit it before.)

Caroline brings Bonnie with her to go stock up their dorm. She walks into the supermarket and it flashes out at her. The bag of pork rinds is in her hands before she even thinks of grabbing it.

"Bonnie? What are you doing?" Caroline calls out, turning to see Bonnie standing 10 meters behind her, staring blankly at the package. Bonnie blinks.

"Sorry."

It's only when they are unloading the car that Caroline remembers Bonnie  _hates_  pork rinds.

(But she doesn't hate  _him_.)

* * *

_Bonnie wakes up again, and the pain is gone. She is lying on a bed (she has a feeling that it is Kai's) in the Parkers' house, but she can't recall coming in. She gathers from the fading light coming through the window that it is sunset. She is wearing something new, a loose shirt that isn't stained. It smells_ good _, like coffee and cologne and something else._

 _She slowly pulls up the shirt and examines her wound. Her skin is completely healed, and there is no sign of the blood that had been everywhere last night. Or was it longer than that? It must have been longer than a night because there was no sign of any pain at all. And_ that _meant someone else was here with her._

_Oh, God. No way. No way in hell._

_Bonnie slinks down the stairs, and finds the familiar face looking back at her. "No, damn it, no," she says, feeling so frustrated._

" _You're welcome," Kai replies, raising an eyebrow. "Looks like you're all fixed up, so let's go."_

" _I'm not going anywhere with you until you tell me why you're not gone."_

" _Okay," he stops. "The spell didn't work. Maybe you_ do _need a Bennett witch." He smiles patronizingly at her, as if she is the one who made the mistake. "And then I realized that if you died, I would never get back home." He pauses, then says, "That good enough for you?"_

" _I don't get it."_

" _What is there to get?" Kai scoffed. "I came back home, wasted the last of my magic healing you, and now we're stuck. At least now I'll have some company for the rest of my life."_

" _You forget," Bonnie scoffed, mimicking him. "I can die here."_

" _You wouldn't kill yourself."_

" _You don't know a single thing about me."_

" _But I do!" He pointed a finger almost accusingly at her. "I watched you for almost 4 months before you knew I was here. I've seen you, and the thing is, you_ are _smart, loyal, selfless. You don't give up just like that. That's not Bonnie Bennett."_

" _I've had almost 4 months to think about it. I'm giving up now."_

* * *

Kai Parker. God, she couldn't stop thinking about him. About the way he'd so easily shrugged off the idea that she would kill herself. Before, she hadn't understood, but now she did. It infuriated her. She half wanted to do it just to spite her.  _Your words don't control me. I don't think about them every single day. I don't love/hate the way you twisted them to make everything you said seem beautiful/dangerous._

It was all a lie. Bonnie scoffed sadly, and threw herself on her bed. She brought her sleeve to her nose and inhaled its scent. Coffee and cologne and something else. She still hadn't figured it out.

* * *

_Dear Diary or whatever,_

_I don't really know what I'm going to write in here. It's just, if I'm ever going to get out, people are gonna want to know what happened. And I don't think I'll be able to tell them. So maybe I'll just give them this. I guess I'm really overanalyzing this. Maybe they won't ask me anything. Maybe I won't get out at all._

_Anyway, things are just really slow here. Nobody to talk to, nothing to do. Kai is leaving me alone, and I don't know what that means. I think he's tried to kill himself again. It's messed up. I hate it. I hate this place._

_But he's right, I won't ever kill myself. I can't ever lose that hope. I think I owe Kai that, too. Which is crazy, I can't even believe I'm writing this. But he did use the last of his magic to heal me. And he's been alone for 18 years. It's not even been a full year but I think I'm going insane. I don't know how he did it._

_I feel bad, honestly. And I know what he did is unforgivable but you can't blame someone for wanting out of here. He was just doing whatever he needed to do to get out. I think I can kind of trust him now. I sound crazy. Maybe this is Stockholm syndrome. My only question is…who is the captor: the Prison or Kai?_

* * *

Bonnie gives up on life. She doesn't eat, read, talk, sleep. She doesn't do anything.

They all worry about her, but when she tells them, "Screw  _off_ ," they do. That's when she realizes they don't care.

* * *

" _Hi." Kai lifts the covers of Bonnie's bed up to find her nestled there reading Great Expectations. "It's 3 in the morning, thought you might need coffee before you finish that book."_

" _Thanks." Bonnie eyes him suspiciously. "Why are you up?"_

" _Tried sleeping. Couldn't sleep. Tried thinking. Couldn't think of any more ways to die. Made coffee. Drank said coffee. Couldn't sleep…again." He gestures at the book. "What page are you on?"_

" _489," Bonnie says, and even though she wants to kick him out of the room, the fatigue in her voice makes her seem weak, tired. Vulnerable. She marks her page and shuts the book, scooting over so he can sit._

" _Ooh, that's when it gets good." He smiles at her and leans back against the headboard._

" _Really?" she says, taking the coffee from him and sipping gratefully._

" _No," he admits. "I've read too many books. I don't really remember what happens in that one."_

_Bonnie almost laughs, but she stops herself. "Don't."_

" _Don't what?" He looks at her, and reaches his hand out. She holds her breath, not knowing what to expect. Slowly, he takes a piece of her hair and tucks it behind her ear. She lets her breath out, confused. "Don't what?" he repeats._

_Finally, she says, "Don't pretend to be nice. Not when you hate me."_

_Kai doesn't reply. It's 3:24am, and Bonnie pushes away the nagging feeling that something isn't right. Maybe it's because Kai is in her bed with her. Maybe because he's being nice to her. Her eyes close. She doesn't hear him say, "Maybe I don't."_

_He lies down next to her, and even though she falls asleep in seconds, it is almost another two hours before he can stop thinking. When she wakes up, she finds an asleep 22-year old in her bed. One with bags under his eyes and a faint smile on his lips. She slips out from under his arm and goes to make them both coffee. It's almost two hours before she can stop thinking, either._

* * *

It's been a year. She's pretended to stop caring. Every night, she is intoxicated, enough to go home with another boy.

(Secretly, it's killing her.)

* * *

" _One day, my dad told me I was a mistake. An abomination. Stupid. Worthless. A mistake. He was drunk, I think. He said stuff a father should never say to their son."_

_Bonnie looks at Kai carefully._

" _I think that was when I started hating him. Started trying to stop him," Kai adds._

" _Kai – "_

" _I know what you're thinking. You feel sorry for me. About my dad. Or you want to fix me, make me a better man. Help me believe that it wasn't the right thing to do. God." He scoffs. "You can't change me."_

" _I wasn't going to say that," she shakes her head. "Just…I'm sorry." Bonnie swallows and trains her eyes on him to see his reaction. His jaw clenches._

" _What are you going to do if you get out by yourself?"_

_Bonnie turns her head again, but he's already there. Right next to her. It gets hard for her to breathe when he's this close, and she doesn't know why. She turns away. "I don't know. Go back to college." She misses the amused smirk that appears on his face. "What about you?"_

" _I don't know. Merge with my sister."_

" _Okay, say you weren't part of a coven. There is no such thing as the supernatural. Just human. We're human." Bonnie's curiosity is over the top. "What would you do?"_

" _I don't know, Bon," he laughs. "Don't you think there wouldn't_ be _a Prison World if there was no supernatural?"_

" _Just answer the question!" Bonnie laughs, subconsciously leaning back into him._

" _If I got out on my own," he pauses and looks at the brunette, "I think I'd probably find a way to get you out, too. No matter what it took."_

_Bonnie sucks in a surprised breath, but then relaxes. "Me, too."_

* * *

Bonnie is on a bed in a stupid, small apartment somewhere in Maryland. The boy next to her pulls away when she tries to kiss him. "My name is Dylan. You said Kai."

* * *

_It's been almost 6 months. Bonnie stays with Kai every single day. They wake in the same bed and eat at the same table. She accepts him, like he accepts her. She doesn't know what they're doing, but she doesn't want to ask. She thinks maybe he just goes along with it for company. Humans need humans. Or they go insane._

" _You bake?"_ _Bonnie asks, amused. She stares at the table_ _in front of her. Every inch is covered with pans and plates – cakes and brownies and desserts. God._

" _You'd be surprised," Kai winks at her. Picking up a piece of frosted red velvet, he leans closer. "What do you think?" Bonnie takes a bite and chews thoughtfully._

" _Wow."_

" _Only had about 18 years to practice."_

_She smiles at him like a fool. His eyes shine. They're very close now, almost touching. He reaches out and places a hand on her waist, and pulls her in. She can't breathe. Her heart begins to accelerate. God, nobody has this effect on her except him._

" _You're really beautiful," he says, and it's the way that he says it that has her reeling. He whispers it, soft and slow and sad, like he's admitting the worst thing he's ever done. What she'll never know is that falling for someone like her in a place like this would be the worst thing anyone could ever do. Because one day she will leave him behind._

_He catches her gaze before kissing her. Her hands fist in his shirt and his move wildly through her hair. They pull away from each other, breathing ragged._

* * *

It's kind of funny how if something is important, it will always find its way back to you. Bonnie remembers promising Kai she would bring him back. She wonders why she hasn't done anything to fulfill it.

Maybe because she's scared. Of how she feels. Because she's scared that he will have changed. That he won't feel the same.

It takes days to decide, but her resolution is easy, so easy. She will find a way to get him out. No matter what it takes.

* * *

_She'd been at the supermarket, restocking for both herself and Kai - which meant pork rinds and gummy bears - when she saw him. "Damon?" Her voice's pitch rises_   _in disbelief. "What the hell? How are you even here?"_

_"Bonnie, thank God," he pulls her to him, holding her close. "I thought - I thought it would be too late."_

_She pulls away too quickly. "What is going on? How - ?"_

_"No time for that, Bon-Bon, we gotta go, the spell gives us roughly 10 more minutes."_

_She stiffens as the nickname hits her and then she's not thinking of Damon Salvatore at all, but of Kai - and she needs to find him, she needs to take him with her._

_"I have to find Kai - " she protests and then stops, realizing he will have no idea what happened in the last few months. How Bonnie and Kai are now closer than ever._

_"What are you talking? We have to go now, this spell only works once in a lifetime, Bonnie! If we don't leave now, you're stuck for another 60 years with the freaky witch abomination!"_

_"Don't call him that!" she snarls and pulls away from him._

_"Bonnie!"_

_She hears Kai and goes hysterical. "Damon, let go of me! Let go!"_

_There is a flash of light and she is in the Salvatore boarding house, still screaming Kai's name._


End file.
